If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
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Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Breaking news:
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.