If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
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In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*