If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
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My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good