If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
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BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.