If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
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I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Winnipeg!!
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.
Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Why is this me 😫
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
