If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
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I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again