if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
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My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…