if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
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My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.