Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.

Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.

*in hell*

Devil: so what are you here for

Them: I invented ice breaker activities

*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.

I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.

Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.

Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.

I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”

Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns

Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me

Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.

When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!

*holds a grudge*

Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!

A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.

Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.

My only stock options are chicken and beef.

Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

me: sacked? why?

boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name

me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.

the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.

bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1

CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm