@ispypanda

If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.

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@Shade510

(car shopping w/ teenage son)

Me: What do you think about this one?

Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.

Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.

@simoncholland

The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.

@PaperWash

Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie

@panTdropper

“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.

@maisonwithapen

sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes

@markedly

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god

@FunnyBison

Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies

@huntigula

*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”

@RunOldMan

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.