(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
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The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.