If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.

You Might Also Like


(car shopping w/ teenage son)

Me: What do you think about this one?

Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.

Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.


The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.


Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie


“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.


sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes


BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god


Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies


*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*


I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.