If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
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genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat