If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
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*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol