If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
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My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
iPhone X
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*