If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
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I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school
me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum
8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
If someone starts a sentence with “Words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway!
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.