If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
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PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
good work, everybody
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
.. do you even science?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
real
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.