If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
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[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
weddings should have a worst man
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?