If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
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Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
For real 🤣
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda