Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.

H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!

“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.

I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.

Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.

Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving

Snack for election night!

Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion

Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough

I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me

My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”

Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.

“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”

Brain: Magical!

“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”

*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!

-No, there isn’t a town called ”Garbage” anywhere in England, stop looking at that map. I hate to break this to you, but when our neighbors called you ”King of garbage” that wasn’t a compliment

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

Boss: Have I made myself clear?

Me: No, I can still see you.

Boss: Shakes head.

sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet

I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.

me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes

my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.

[my husband turning onto our street]

“know what I think?”

husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.

“we’ve been down this road before”

Husband: So we’ve basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.

Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.

Nobody:

God: Make half of them allergic to spring

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

employee: how does it look?

vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this

Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”