If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
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Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”