If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
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Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Why does laundry happen to good people?
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count