If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
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Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”