Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.

Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.

Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen

Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse

1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*

Tobacco causes Cancer

Alcohol causes Dancer

Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.

Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat

An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.

*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews

Worst Native American name ever.

PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.

ME: Is it saying anything?

PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…

My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.

Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?

Director: you mean a choir?

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?

Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.

*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?

First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire

You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question

ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS

I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.

[first day as marriage counselor]

HER: we’re trying to have a baby

ME: ok I’ll step outside

I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm

black phone good

SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.

Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.

Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.