If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
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Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Otters see a butterfly.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
me: you know what I need?
body: vitamins? water? a vegetable?
me: another coffee.
body: you mother fu-
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.