If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
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I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.