Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.

Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.

Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.

Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit

*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*

This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂

i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣

Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.

Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.

Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?

Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls

Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.

Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?

[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?

on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house

Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*

you gotta be faster

I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂

Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”

Celery is depressing green water wafers.

16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”

*plays The Smiths

Me: Uncontrollable weeping

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues

[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]

NO. DEAR GOD, NO!

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.

13: Want to drive me to school?

Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.

13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.

Me: It’s not on the way.

13: I’ll pay.

Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.

Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.