If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
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I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
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*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
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No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”