If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
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People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.