If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
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I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!