Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?

Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu

“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.

Where’s my employee discount too?

Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*

Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*

judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence

A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.

If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.

Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?

Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?

🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶

Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?

Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.

commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat

My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

Think of a thing.

Theres an e cig flavor for that.

I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—

My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???

Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”

Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.

Husband: How short?

Me:

Husband: HOW SHORT?!

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!

Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting

mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?

optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that