Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.

You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.

[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god

I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.

When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”

What did one Christmas tree say to the other?

Lighten up!

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere

Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?

“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.

6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?

*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*

I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy

her: i love croissants

me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too

*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist

“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.

[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look

I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS

[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.

Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle

Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*

My husband: *finishes vacuuming*

Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*

My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.

For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere

– my 5yo, unprompted

This is a really bad idea. When do we start?