If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
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Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
That time Alicia messaged me
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (