Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.

The vet looked me over.

He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.

*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.

The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”

A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??

Imguana see myself out

*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*

why isn’t this lamp working

My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.

My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs

How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright

Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.

When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇

I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.

Priest: Murder, my child?

Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.

Priest: *gasp*

My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me

Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.

Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.

gender is a sprctrum

If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.

Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….

They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight

The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.

They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.

With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years