If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
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If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?