If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
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[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
incredible book dedication
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
😅🤣😂
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.