Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

A large group of people is called an eww no thank you

This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂

Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.

Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

grandparents are too precious for this world

One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

[ date ]

her: i have a PhD

zombie: *jaw falls off*

Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?

C: step out of the car, sir.

Me: see, I told ya.

DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”

ME: “I understand.”

DOCTOR: “Exactly.”

God: And then let’s send in murder hornets

Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?

God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus

Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?

God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?

WHO DID THIS?

Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

Feefiphobia.

🥲

My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.

Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced

When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.

If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.

Nothing is sacred.

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.

I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.

I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.

I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.

[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]

Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!

[home alone]

murderer: [creeping up behind me]

me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!

murderer: [pauses] what kind?