If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
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Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
reviewed some movies recently
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Basically, any European coat of arms:
