Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

[carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full

I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?

The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.

when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?

Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.

911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.

Me: I WASNT READY

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

[Interview with a Vampire]

Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!

Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*

If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.

Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US

Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses

Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”

Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.

Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.

Husband opening his new radar detector…

Me- want me to run by really fast?

Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.

Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*

Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.

Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…

Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.

Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”

Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

Me: *petting my cat*

My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?