Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.

*Returns to couch.

*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.

A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

Inkling sounds like a baby octopus

What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach

Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”

*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.

why does this building look like a guilty dog

this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W

Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room

Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?

Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever

Wife: So yes then

Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet

9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night

Me: Hang on, give me a…

7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep

asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭

[literally every petting zoo]

Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?

Me: [shrugs] I guess

Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.

My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided

My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot

Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!

Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”

Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”

Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!

Math never tried to solve any of my problems.

Denise please return my vape pen

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.