if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
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*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband
Britain be like
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer