if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
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You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
That time Alicia messaged me
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’