Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.

Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.

Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.

Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”

Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”

Me: “I’ll be right back.”

[1st day as a dr]

macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band

nurse: ahh we dont have those

macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery

nurse: umm how about a scalpel?

macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work

People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.

my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree

Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’

The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood

My mother is the strongest woman I know.

You should see how far she could throw a shoe.

computer: create username

me: liamneesonskid

computer: username has been taken

The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne

Age 15: kids are stupid

Age 25: kids are stupid

Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid

Why is everyone getting married at me

A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…

Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.

Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.

Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.