If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
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Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.