The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
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Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
So creative 😂
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
meow
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog