If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
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When customers come in 6 hours before closing
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
haha same
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*