If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
You Might Also Like
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.