If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
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walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
My love language is deader than Latin
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
[Wine tasting]
Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?
— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.