Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.

in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me

me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again

I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue

My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…

Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.

Please can I keep him – he followed me home!

Hobbies Include:

Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.

Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable

Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.

“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.

“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.

– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.

I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.

I’d use my best pan on you.

Mantra at the gym:

When the zombies come, cardio will matter.

Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’

Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?

Me: Contuitively.

Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?

WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge

ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART

Me: what will you trade me for my Soul

Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA

TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future

ME: Really? Who wins the election?

TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace

ME: You need to be more specific

A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.

Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.

I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.

Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.

Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.

Lube but for my dry humor.