Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
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How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting