If your bio says “Producer, entrepreneur, DJ, & businessman” I’m assuming you misspelled “Lives with Mom, works at McDonalds.”

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my little pony implies the existence of a larger, more terrifying my pony


Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.


“Must you lick the knife?”

“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”


*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*


Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?

Batman: Sidekick

Robin: Close enough


[Oreo meeting]

What about ‘sextuple stuffed’

“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”

[later googling Sextuple]

“Omg that’s genius”


Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.