@Shock_Monster: If your bio says "Producer, entrepreneur, DJ, & businessman" I'm assuming you misspelled "Lives with Mom, works at McDonalds."
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@jakob_huber: Hi, I'd like to order a baby "Excuse me?" It says here you deliver babies? "Sir this is a hospital" [vampire quickly hangs up phone]
@PetrickSara: My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
@FrazzleMyGimp: [Home Depot staff meeting] BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is? ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
@RobElliottComic: Top Gun was so unrealistic Everyone knows Tom Cruise can't reach the clutch on a motorcycle