if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
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I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
ouch
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired