if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
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It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
The best plant holders?
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
58.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers