if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
You Might Also Like
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.