Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So that’s what we looked like?

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.

*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!

Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*

Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”

Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”

I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters

It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,

We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?

Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!

You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.

When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though

food blogger:

Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*

Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*

if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka

My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.

My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?

english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.

i made a craigslist ad !

My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

SONOFA