If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
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I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”