If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
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Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.
*reads your timeline*
Or maybe not
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name