@Dr_awfulpants

If your boss says “Correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t you supposed to be in at 8am?” don’t correct them. Its a trap. They hate being wrong.

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@ClichedOut

CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified

@wolfpupy

i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.

@pudding_club

The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.

2044: the weekend becomes sentient.

2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.

@bazecraze

It’s only been a few days, but I’m starting to forget everything I knew about Mitch Romley.

@Dutch_50

Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.

@TheCatWhisprer

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

@

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@WongLipJun

Rules for rap battling Eminem:

1. Do not let Eminem go first.

2. Do not let Eminem go second.