@Dr_awfulpants

If your boss says “Correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t you supposed to be in at 8am?” don’t correct them. Its a trap. They hate being wrong.

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@beisswrandon

The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.

@Kyle_Lippert

If asked ‘Whats up?’ respond ‘An animated film about the journey of a boy & an old man’ then wink & fly away carried by hundreds of balloons

@AristotlesNZ

I speak both universal languages:

1. English
2. Louder & slower English

@SardonicTart

My five stages of waking up:

1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility

@DanMentos

Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen

@IfTonyTweeted

If the hackers that stole all those Yahoo passwords could tell me what mine is I’d appreciate it. I’ve been locked out for about 4 years now

@emilygabaldon

What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue

@AnnietheNanny1

I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.

@T_Bonezzz_

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

@Death_Buddy

You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.