If your boss says “Correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t you supposed to be in at 8am?” don’t correct them. Its a trap. They hate being wrong.

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The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.


If asked ‘Whats up?’ respond ‘An animated film about the journey of a boy & an old man’ then wink & fly away carried by hundreds of balloons


I speak both universal languages:

1. English
2. Louder & slower English


My five stages of waking up:

5)Extreme hostility


Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen


If the hackers that stole all those Yahoo passwords could tell me what mine is I’d appreciate it. I’ve been locked out for about 4 years now


What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue


I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.


I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous


You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.