My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
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“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.