Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

Mouse

Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.

Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.

The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.

[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN

11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.

Me: That just means they’ll come inside.

11: No furnace this year.

Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.

Mad Max Arctic Road

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

So that’s what we looked like?

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere

I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.

put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes

Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?

Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.

#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning

Yo. I spit out my drink 😂

HULK WANT LOAN

Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.

Me: OMG I love this song

Radio: should I play it again

Me: okay

Radio: fifteen times

Me: wait

Radio: every hour

Me: no

Radio: for the next six months

First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay

i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself

I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.

*sigh

He’s never gonna let me down.

Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another

[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.

Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.

I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”

Me: “Bet.”

So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.