if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
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The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
good work, detective
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.