if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
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Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me