if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
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pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?