if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
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Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
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*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me