@eye_spyder

if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you

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@Book_Krazy

Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin

@GuyEndoreKaiser

Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?

@DrakeGatsby

them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?

@Book_Krazy

[Spelling Bee]

Her: Your word is consent.

Him: Can you describe the word?

Her: Yes.

@LittlestSlobo

The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.

@misfarber

The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again

Well, maybe we should get rid of it

The plant? But we just got it

. . .Haha yeah, the plant

@jessokfine

[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.

@weenbeans

will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too