if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you

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Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin


Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?


them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?


[Spelling Bee]

Her: Your word is consent.

Him: Can you describe the word?

Her: Yes.


The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.


The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again

Well, maybe we should get rid of it

The plant? But we just got it

. . .Haha yeah, the plant


“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.


will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too