if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
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Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Me too
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.