Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Are you ready to rock?”

Scissors: no

fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank

me: u ok babe?

babe: oink

The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”

I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.

Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.

I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.

My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.

You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?

I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.

Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.

Or a piece of work. Something like that.

Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.

So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.

The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky

Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.

Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.

You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?

I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

Manager: just got a quick little job for you

Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job

ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.