If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
You Might Also Like
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”