Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.

It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary

NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.

ME: It’s fullnerable.

WIFE: Get out.

Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.

Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”

Me: “Literally just name one.”

Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”

“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee

“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts

Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra

A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces

The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…

4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled

I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!

(There is no school this week)

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others

me: thats not me

Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you

me: nah thats not me

ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.

I hope his new foster family is nice.

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib

[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”

My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.

*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.

Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…

Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting

This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.

“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”

Two seconds later:

Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.

GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.

15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.

Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.