Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime

Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer

[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago

$4 #usedbooks

My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.

“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster

BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond

GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets

ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.

*violence noises

Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.

A huge thanks to the person that did this

Me: What are you doing?

4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.

where there’s a whale there’s a whale

Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.

Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.

It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread

Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”

Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank

Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!

Uber: What?

Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.

“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”

– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered

on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme