If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
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You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
