Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry

Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it

When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.

How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.

if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up

[first day as producer]

superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME

me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*

[homeschooling]

ME: what is 345 minus 127?

DAUGHTER: 218

ME: *filling out tax form* thanks

crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.

[Diner]

Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free

*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*

my 6 year-old: im a police

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.

when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak

I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that

The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.

Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?

Me: Ice cream

Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]

When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.

Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.

Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”

Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place