If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
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Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.