If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
You Might Also Like
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Skip intro
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.